Laly:sexual abuse recovery journey

• • • • • Hugggss*****

-)

'Z' Posted: 19 Aug 2006 10:25 AM

...And ANOTHER Happy Re-Birth Day Laly!

Yep, just keep breathing, staying in touch with your support network every step of the way - including thru bookending, and...

Relax... whenever you can... :-)

When in doubt - bookend...

And Drew and Jo can help you learn how to expand your network of trustworthy friends to support and celebrate your continuing discovery of your essential divine talents and nature...

HUGGGSS LALY! Jack

Posted: 19 Aug 2006 12:02 PM

Thanks bunches!!!

Thank you Jack ...bookending by phone and also through the forum is a great idea.

and am breathing - listening to some music and smiling , heart is singing while I post this :-) .

Mog - thanks for the kind words HUGSS.

Z ... from the heart I thank you...that means quite alot to me .

With Love, Light and from my Joyously singing heart, Laly

Posted: 19 Aug 2006 05:12 PM

Ok... is it Sunday nite and purchased the bus tickets for Thursday's trip. Wrote out my list of things to pack...all that's left are things that go in either nite before or the morning of trip. So about 4 things checked off my list of things do :-).

and continuing to just breathe and not worry about the minor things - am smiling as I write.

Just taking it a step at a time and catching up on things that need to be done before i leave.

Jack as far as the network of support...thanks, leaning on others is a hard for me; however, I want to move forward.

As I told Drew last nite...no one has cared this much about me (not even me) ...to not allow to hide myself anymore. That wall that was around my heart for so long has crumbled and the tears I now weep are not from sadness but from the joy and happiness-the feelings and sensations that derive from the forums also from my heart-gasms, my multiples, and being about to share the joy, love, happiness I have with others as well - here in the forums and also in my daily interactions with people as well.

As you have said it in one word Jack - FREEDOM! tis a great feeling.

Allowing myself the freedom to experience the sacredness of KSMO orgasms and the pure joy they bring with them. The smile that literally lights up my face and fills my heart so full and it sings. *tears up

The greatest thing that KSMO has done IMHO is in my attitude...that is allow me to WANT to ALLOW myself to care again. And from this- it has opened my heart and soul to caring-as my posts show. Each post is from my heart and my soul and refuse to quaffle about just how much to write...but how to word what i want to say. What i write I have heard- and you have said to me-paints a picture for people. I smile and my heart sings when I hear this. The forum is my canvas and my words the paint or paintbrush. I LIKE THAT IMAGE. I have all my life been a very tactile woman- that is like to work with my hands - rather than pick up a brush (brush felt alien in my hand/fingers) - would rather dips my fingers in the paint and put them to the paper/canvas. :-). So much like my cross-stitching...something that I take great love and pride in-to create each stitch with love and also a great meditiative method too; my mind lets go of whatever worries or stress i may be feeling at the time and instead focusing on those stitches. Some folks have asked why I do not sell my completed projects (after exclamations of OMG WOW that is soo beautiful), it just never was my intention when I started- most pictures I have dine thus far I have given as gifts to friends and family. 14" x 16" picture takes me a minimum of 3-4 years and about 1500-2000 hours to complete from start to framing. It is from doing this that I have learned patience Jack, not to rush- allow it to come slowly. i think Laguna can relate to this feeling- seeing beauty of a landscape emerge from a blank canvas.

SMILES ....

The picture I am doing now is for a very special person...when I saw the picture on the book- all i can say is WOW I have never had something "speak" to me like this did. I felt like I HAD to get it and do it. I think it is the first time that I am happy that I am creating something that has a special connection.

Ok - time to get back to cross-stitching. My heart is singing and WOW feel like I am floating in the air- so much joy and love is zinging around me. :-)

HUGSS all ... With Love, Light and from my Joyously singing heart, Laly

Congratulations Laly on taking another big recovery step on your own behalf, and on bookending it here!

And thank you for another eloquent, moving, an inspiring post documenting your Adventure.

Wishing you ALL the VERY BEST! Jack Posted: 20 Aug 2006 09:27 PM

Thanks Jack...sure bring a BIGGER smile to my face and a shining joy to my ever singing heart too. Once I started talking, my heart just opened wide and the words just poured out.

I believe that because I am so openly honest in posting that I may be like that as well with Jo- once I feel "safe" and comfortable. Altho still have some reservations, am having faith in myself and beleive that the steps I am undertaking are beneficial. Drawing on that inner strength that you and Drew seem to see more than I can (or care to).

To know that someone cares about me is a very humbling feeling and brings me to my knees - literally. My heart energy soars and i cry (bliss tears-brimming ) :-)

HUGSSS.. smiles

Blessed be the journey!

With Love, Light and from my Joyously singing heart, Laly Posted: 21 Aug 2006 09:17 AM

Anyway back to finish- Jo hit on some rather sensitive issues that I knew I needed to work on. Made me pause and think on how to respond-she'd just go WHAT does your HEART say (gotta luv that phrase). All in all the first session went pretty well...as I see her more -can feel like I can be "open" with her and share more. She dosen't know yet of my sexual abuse background. Drew is encouraging me to share that with her. Also will ask her about some 'coping skills' on how to handle those emotional full-balls , like the one that I told Jack about-which I experienced while at work. For those who do not know I will try and explain it. On a friday- in 4-5 seperate incidents, I experienced what I can now relate as a huge well of pain, sadness and tears bubble up from my tummy/heart area and I just knew I couldn't hold it in any longer. (I know bad- but working in a library is not good to see a librarian cry 'publicly'). I asked boss if she minded watching the desk , and i just about ran to my desk - threw my glasses on the desk and let myself cry (no way i could stop that freight train - no no ) I know i shocked everyone at work with this outburst- am not one whom normally 'breaks down' like this. So spent at least 20 minutes or so just getting myself back to normal and calling upon my meditation to help (along with a hot herbal tea on the side). I think what shocked me more than anything was just how quick it came up and what able to recognize that I needed so alone time to deal with it. Totally un prepared with the whole experience- let me so drained and ill feeling the rest of the day.

As to what triggered them - i have no conscious idea what may have been.

As I am focusing on my next appointment here in a few weeks- I have last week had 2 of the most satisfying echo effects to heartgasms sessions. BUT on thursday- was still feeling echos so I decided to try and see if I could expand them to another heartgasm. I know i know - as Jack told me in chat...and I knew it too - that came to mind was TRAP!! That wanting the good feelings to NOT end.

Lately have been feeling a low energy hum/vibration in and around my heart and tummy area. Have been contant all day long- just "consciously" aware of them and smile.

So once again - not really actively practicing KS, but rather allowing the echos to have their way as they please and enjoying the sensations they invoke. HUGS and

• remembering to BREATHE!!!

With Love, Light and from my Joyously singing heart, Laly Posted: 11 Sep 2006 04:12 PM

VERY WELL DONE LALY!

Way to take very good care of yourself!

Huggsss! Jack Posted: 13 Sep 2006 02:24 PM

Hi Jack...

HUGSS!!

First of all- thank you for the sage advice in chat-once I stepped back... I realized that I had comeacross one of the traps , that is not reaching for anorgasm but in actuality of NOT WANTING the awesomeechos I had been experiencing those 2 past days to fade in their degree of pleasure arousing feelings. all that I had been going through with starting counseling and traveling and stress of meeting Jo for first time- I kinda was happy to finally allow myself to relax enough to feel the echos. (Especially after that emotional episode at work). The next counseling session with Jo is set andtravel plans made. Despite how emotionally wrecked I was from lastvisit I came to the realization (after many hours picking it apart and looking at all the variables and stuff) that some good did come from the workshop and I find myself hopeful in being able to accept love/kindness from others. Drew started my journey to this dawning, and ksmo has helped tremendously by my outpouring of my heart and love via posts and live chat but it took this workshop to really break through some of the binds I had wondered would ever heal. there are 3 things that i said to Drew that this workshop has benefited me and they are: 1. that a man asks for permission to physically touch me 2. that I can accept that physical touching and notpanic - have it not trigger panic feelings 3. to hear a man apologize for any hurt or wrongdoing that had been done to me.

It was the last one that really hit home to me and the point that I lost myself to the grief, sadness, and anguish over the rape and its after effects had caused. Drew also asked me if I could ever forgive Robert (man who raped me) for what he did and I replied that at this timeI don't think I can, but lately since this workshop it has been on my mind and although I don't think I could excuse him, I do feel no anger towards him but asadness in his behavior and attitude more than anything else now. *smiles and takes deep breath and releases. (big step huh?)

As for the unusual dream that I had while at Drew's house that weekend, I am still processing that one - but can tell you briefly that is has a spiritual connection unlike anything I've experienced. It all started with a Warrior (native american) spirit stick that Drew had in his living room. From my knowledge of N.A. history I knew that sometimes the spirit of the person who held the stick can be imbued into its very fiber, so I didn't touch it but smiled and loved its glorious looks. I sat on the couch in the living room most of the day Friday working on the tiger cross-stitch picture and for some inexplicit reason felt tired right around 11 am. So I went up to bed layed down and the next thing I remember is waking up and phone ringing around 12:30 pm. Never in my life have I ever lost time like that . Suffice it to say was not scared but more hmmm (slight dis-orientation) ...like what just happened- but allowed myself not to get flustered. After this dream was much calmer and more 'serene' the rest of the day- like a low energy pleasant and 'at peace' feeling.

Ok - the dream .... regaling what I can recall here

Felt like a slow accent wafering (soul wise) through a cloudy/foggy area. I felt light as air and as "I" went higher I could hear a drum beating, some soft chanting and then could smell a light distinct odor of something burning (but can't place that smell of what it was). once i reached wherever I was at - felt myself being drawn to this chanting and drums and slowly walked towards where the sounds appeared to be coming from (as to the place I was walking through - I cant describe it too well word-wise-covered within the fog/clouds). With each step the drums were louder and chanting seemed to be coming now from below where I was standing. I looked around and took a few more tentative steps and before my eyes an opening appeared in the "floor" and I got on my knees and checked to make sure would not fall and the peered through this newly formed 'hole". What I saw was just so aweing that I sucked in a deep breath but continued on looking. Before me I saw a few teepees, a campfire and an Old Indian Man sitting before this fire chanting looking forward with his eyes closed. I sat there and just watched him...still so awed at what I was truly witnessing. The next thing I recall is him stopping and looking up-Lookingat me!! I gasped and trembled. His grey eyes seemed to bore into mine and could have sworn he could see melooking down. It was at this point that I panicked/was startled and 'fled'. That is when I "woke up" and still processing what I just been through and was back in the living room and gave a quick glance to that stick . Next thing I heard was phone ringing and was Drew checking on me. * smiles

WOW....just recalling this and feel like I am back there- energy wise. Am not disturbed by this dream Jack, but more like "what is this dream trying to tell me - and why me and not Drew or someone else." What made me so special that IT spoke to me? I have no answer to that - only that just accepting it happened and allowing the experience the blend in with my overall counseling/KSMO journey. It happened to me for SOME reason. :-) So that weekend went through alot of emotional stuff all kind of overwhelming in some ways, but beneficial in healing at least a fraction of my heart-although wasn't EXPECTING it but HAPPENED (sound familiar hmmm) Just finished reading a book that I i find very enlightening as I can relate to the emotions and the sentiments experienced by the author's wife (book is called what about me? a guide for men helping female partners deal with childhood sexual abuse ). EVEN though the book is intended for men , I am finding myself crying, smiling and even agreeing with most of what the author relates in this book. It put so much of what I had been experiencing and STILL am in a much clearer mind frame and helped me to understand what i was feeling and going through is 'common' for abuse survivors/ Also I got the book you had recommended a while back to me (regarding sexual abuse survival-can't recall exact title). Will be reading that one in the coming days. That is where I stand at this point - other than working on approaching Jo with the sexual abuse issue.

HUGS and thanks for letting me bookend. :-).

sorry for this long post - but I felt what I needed to say was voiced. :-)

With Love, Light and from my Joyously singing heart, Laly

Posted: 16 Sep 2006 04:28 PM

As i read the "what about me" book , I found myself nodding my head in agreement and also going WOW that is what I went through, and that is what i felt like...

From this book I have found a deeper understanding of how I was feeling all those years ago and the things/stages I went through were considered 'normal' (although I didn't know that back then).

So I take a few steps , reflect and take a few more , etc. Spent the last few days thinking about how I introduce the incest/rape issues with Jo. *takes breath and releases

With Love, Light and from my Joyously singing heart, Laly

Posted: 21 Sep 2006 05:19 PM

VERY Well Done Laly!!!

And thanks for the book reference and the bookend.

Wishing you all the very best, Jack

Posted: 22 Sep 2006 01:58 PM

As always Jack , you are very welcome :-).

As for my last post , well...let me just say that the little girl is not very happy with 'me' right now in my decision in telling Jo about the sexual molestation and rape issues. She (as well as I) is very much afraid of being hurt yet again - even though the man who abused her is long gone. Afraid of opening those old wounds, going back to that place she vowed never to go back to. How do you make a child understand it is needed in order to truly heal and move forward. In my quandry of deciding to tell Jo, she has retreated to her hiding place and refuses to listen at all, rocking and crying - which in turns makes 'me' cry. All i know to do at this point is to be with her, hold her when she allows me to, and comfort her the best i can. Drew says that Jo can help the both of us through this. "I" know that I am to the point i can't do it alone anymore.

With Love, Light and from my Joyously singing heart, Laly

Posted: 22 Sep 2006 04:28 PM

hmmm.. last session was really hard for me emotionally.

Taking it a day at a time and crying when i need to ...that phrase "cry me a river" seems so apt for what i am truly feeling right now.

I want to personally thank everyone for your support in my new path of discovery and (oh - NOW here come the tears AGAIN) finding just who I am. Not the woman molded by others thoughts, ideas, or opinions.

Knew it was not gonna be easy and am thanking the Lord above for the angels He has sent for guidance. I truly am blessed beyond mere words can ever say!!

As i climb my way out, I am truly 'seeing' the beauty that the world has and also am blessed because of meeting and talking with each and every one of you. When I speak with you - whether in posts or in love chat - EVERY word i speak comes from the heart - no matter how painful or JOYOUS they may be - they are honest and come from from my very soul.

To know , on my heart, that there is someone who will be there when (almost sad if - but will happen) I stumble or even fall ... it brings the greatest sense of love and care within me. So as I walk my path, I invite you to follow along - and as always, if you have questions or advice- please leave me a post and I WILL respond.

With Love, Light and from my Joyously singing heart, Laly

Posted: 29 Sep 2006 06:48 PM

hello all..sorry for not posting for so long

things just been up and down =plus working through the couseling and the issues it brings to the surface. At first , i seemed to really balk at accepting some of the things I knew in my heart were true and needed to change...but gole dang if i wasn't being my 'old stubborn' self and just balking at the prospect of doing just that. Much like that terror at the gate feelings expressed in the forum. Afraid to make that all important step for myself - to that place beyond .

WELL..after much soul searching and TONS of tears (know more WILL come) I have come to the realization that Jo (and Drew) ARE helping me to work through some un-resolved issues in trust and opening up to others. Like Jack says 'share-check-share-check, etc". Today's post definitely qualifies as SHARE.

My first few counseling sessions were rough , only in the fact that I was dealing and working through some rather really new feelings and rather frightened by that. Just a sensory overload of sorts at first, then learning how to sort through that and put it where is belongs (in the past).

As I have reported I have not been actively practicing KSMO for a few months now _ HOWEVER, i am happy to report that I have had some really awesome echos that culminated is a few sacred heartgasms. The sheer glow of love and joy that spread throghout my body and soul left me with brimming tears and a lighter soul. As I have gone back through the forum and read some of the older, but by no means less important, threads i came across one that talked about the beginnings of KSMO and valley breathing. I did this because i had recently experienced a session that left me a lil humbled and somewhat confused as well- as I did not do any KS but experienced almost everything that I normally did with a regular KS session- minus the mind blowing orgasm. I started out with the valley breathing-could feel the breath as it was drawn up from my gential area into the belly filling it and the moving up to my head and around. i could feel the energy build inside and feel my heart energy unfold- much like a lotus flower first opens , a petal at a time and slowly. As it does i feel myself being lifted very high and the tears start flowing and I weep, my lips tremble and i make a soft keening sound of utter joy. an OOOOhhhhhh., a whimper or two (or 3 or 4). This continued for a good 20 minutes or so. As the energy flowed I could feel it as it passed over my forehead and back down. However, the humbling part I mention is that I could only feel the energy flow on the left side of my body, hardly anything (if anything) on my right side. a definite HMMMM thing.

that is all i have for now and miss ya all HUGSSS. take care and will report more after my counseling session this weekend. MUAH

With Love, Light and from my Joyously singing heart, Laly Posted: 17 Oct 2006 05:28 PM

Ok- just sitting here and replying to some really great posts from the other forum members and attempting to keep my mind from concentrating and worrying too much about the upcoming family constellations workshop I am once again attending -

i am including what this Family Constellation Workshop is about (i hope you all dont mind the longnesss of this post as a result):

"We are all born into a “family mind” or consciousness. It has a profound effect in shaping our behaviors, capabilities, beliefs and sense of identity, thereby making it difficult to make lasting changes. This family mind exists subconsciously or unconsciously, at a level referred to as a “Morphic Field.” All family systems experience conflicts and imbalances. Such ongoing dysfunctional themes or issues are common to find within the family system for generations. We then become attractors for these experiences, which unconsciously create gaps in our ability to feel happy and fulfilled, making significant and lasting changes in yourself and your life both challenging and elusive.

This workshop uses the technique of role modeling family members through physical, spatial arrangement. This opens a gateway into the unconscious family mind or “Morphic Field”, which harmony or appropriate, functional behavior, to be recreated.

So, ask yourself the following questions:

As you check on the results of your life, are you as happy and fulfilled as you want to be? Do you have questions about yourself, and your habitual behaviors that you are unable to find answers to? Do you find yourself in the middle of something, not knowing how you got into it or how to how to get out, no matter how determined you are? Is resolving situations or having appropriate boundaries difficult for you? There is often an unconscious link to dynamics inside of your family system, in which you are playing a role instead of being free to be your true self.

The Family Constellation process identifies, resolves and updates the energy within your family’s constellation, freeing you to be yourself and create the life YOU choose.

This workshop will help you discover how to:

Change unwanted core beliefs and fears. Eliminate limiting patterns and replace them with empowering ones. Reconnect and build your own strengths. Be fully effective and creative. Reshape your past, present and future. Heal at the deepest level."

Let me tell you that i was extremely skeptical when I attended the first one so soon after my 1st counseling session- but I was intrigued by what Drew was describing and curious - so I took a chance upon myself and went.

Now, am better understanding of what this workshop is about and also a lil clearer and freer in some ways in the counseling arena as well. I stll have my up and down moods but for the most part try and focus on the good and the love of myself ...the support i know is there. *smiles

Will expound on this some more - you can count on that -lol...is late for me and as much as I'd like to continue my body is telling me is bed time. So I will finish watching tv for a bit and HUGSSS - have a great nite MUAH!!!

With Love, Light and from my Joyously singing heart, Laly Posted: 18 Oct 2006 07:02 PM

Thanks also for that great exposition on Family Constellation Therapy...

May you have a productive and yes even at times enjoyable weekend workshop!

Posted: 18 Oct 2006 07:16 PM

What a beautiful post Laly!

Again congratulations on your tremendous courage and persistence.

I really like that you noticed similarities in the Terror at the Gates feel re: KSMO and similar kinds of terror patterns as you began dealing with those old gnarly furballs.

It is VERY cool that you recognized the similarity and that you thereby seemed to make it easier for yourself to take that next recovery step.

It's also VERY cool that you have discovered to what degree you have internalized the response patterns awakened by your KSMO practice.

You really have learned that once the response is awakened - you have it! And you don't always have to do a practice session in order to access these wonderful feelings. You ROCK!

Posted: 18 Oct 2006 07:14 PM

Thanks Jack :-).

As I go up there and talk with Jo AND Drew more..I am becoming more aware as you have said) of my feelings and cognizant that I can change them.

Sometime is not easy..like now - dealing with the death of a friend..have done my grieving and still will along the line in the future come across some fur-balls..I do know that it is up to us on how we accept ourselves in this regard.

This past week has been one which is rougher than normal - on top of my getting ready for leaving for Mexico Sunday. Stressful for sure , but in knowing this too - I am trying to also BREATHE and relax and take it all in stride. In thinking, have yet been dealt/handed another OMG event= the person who is going with me to Mexico was involved in a car accident on his way to a work board meeting yesterday..I only got minimal details in a e-mail from his friend down there. All I can say (honestly)..What else is the Lord gonna throw in my path now!! bursts into tears.

Am trying to be strong-not think the worst. This has thrown me into a tail-spin and so lost emotionally I don't know which was is up or down. I know i'll be taking it easy tonite and may listen to some meditation music..make a cup of hot chocolate (even tho long for a hard, stiff alcoholic drink-but out of respect from myself and for Drew whom has said .."what does drinking help??" whom does it help??) All i have to answer to that is it doesn't..not really , just numbs the mind for a few hours or so-gets me beyond "feeling" anything. Trust me when I say this- but that is a place that NO one should want to find!!!! SO EVEN tho I am craving that void of no feeling-I "choose" not to go there now :-).

My apologies for the somber feelings and mood tonite :-(.

laly 06:31 pm 10/31/06

From Zeitgeist

Hey Laly, firstly a HUGE hug from me, it seems to me that some of your recent contributions to the forum are coming from a far deeper source within you. Fantastic!

It sounds like your situation is a challenging one, your recognition of those emotions for what they are, are continuing to SERVE you in order to cope as best as you can in the circumstances. Grieving is a natural process that has a purpose for ourselves. I'm afraid that I too, am still learning to get through that process. I don't think anyone could get used to it. AND you are +so+ right, feeling is so much better than no-feeling!

I'm sure you had a good reason for apologizing - even though its not necessary. Your mood is a signal for us to respond in our own way :-) ..HUG..

You are +absolutely+ right in not thinking about the worst and instead to find that strength that you know you have along with the rest of the fine qualities that Laly has! :-)

Yup! you are right, I also can recommend that uplifting beverage that is cocoa!

BIG HUG!

'Z' Posted Nov 1st 2006 10.00 GMT

Thanks Z ... yeah i agree with the no-feeling thing. Grieving is as natural process as much and eating, breathing and just generally living period. I think it was hard for me cause it was so unexpected- his sudden passing. As Drew and I have discussed before in regards to rememberance of loved ones gone- REMEMBER the good times. That is what I am doing.even as I prepare for my trip here this weekend- that grieving process is still there, but in my heart I know that my friend was proud of the things I've done with my life and encouraged me in SO many ways. He reminds me in so many ways Like Jack and Drew- and that is the comfort and safe-ness in sitting down and just talking one one one - (or even in chat ) - that share-check-share thing Jack is usually reminding me of. *smiles. He will always be a part of me and I take great solice in that fact. Just as I am sad that I will be away from this forum and posting and even reading posts as soon as they come-I also know that I NEED this time away to relax and re-align my heart, spirit and just generally meditate and reflect on issues that need reflection. So honestly I WILL miss my KSMO family, but I will keep in contact via Jack and Drew and plan on enjoying myself- I mean NO plans really for 5 days!!! 5 days of sun, sand, surf, and whatever else i may decide to do. take care and HUGSSS Laly 7:13 pm 11-3-06