Hi- it's been awhile since I've felt something this strong , but I know that givin voice to it may help others as well.

As you may know I have been seeing a counselor and voluntarily since that day been 'on hiatus' from active KSMO practice.

This last visit this month, something occured for which I have no 'rational' explanation as to why. After my session with my counselor thursday nite and relating to her of some dreams that I'd been having - lil snippets of images from long ago - from that rape...I won't go into detail as to the images only to say that they were not disturbing to the point that I panicked but more like WHY are they appearing now - kind of thing.

I didn't want these images now- I mean I want to let go of that- these feelings, and memories surrounding it.

Anyhow- the next night I kept waking up thinking someone was in the house (was actually just the furnace kicking in) . Everytime the furance started up- I could hear a hollow thump from the vent in my room and my eyes would pop open, my heart pounding til I could see that no one was in the house and 'prowling'. Then I'd lay there, cover back up and try and relax and get back to sleep - ONLY to pop back up when the furnace kicked in again. ( I knew it was the furnace - but still I woke up , heart pounding , etc). This went on about every 1 to 2 hours until I FINALLY gave up on sleeping about 6:30 am saturday and laid in bed til 7 am - so that i wouldn't wake up the other 2 people sleeping in the house.

So - quietly I walked down and made breakfast as quietly as I could and sat down and ate while staring out in the dark night. Just sitting there and picking apart what occuring just hours earlier. I knew that there was no one prowling about- so why did i react like i did? - those kind of things.

So am just continuing to process my feeling and work through these other issues until I am certain that they stay where they belong - in the past.

Take care and as always- HUGS ,
laly

Hi Laly,

For what it's worth, here's my reaction to your sharing:

I think that the dreams and the fears you have been experiencing are in fact positive signs of recovery. As I understand these things, we tend to suppress - bury down deep within ourselves - the unpleasant memories because we just cannot handle them. Then, later, when we are able to handle them, these hurtful memories and emotions rise to the surface so that we can dispose of them, get them out of our system.

I hope that this helps.

Best wishes,

Smithie

Thanks Smithie...that is exactly the advice I been hearing from others too. :-)

And...what made me feel worse was the fact that i didn't share how I was feelings with my friend at the time - I didn't want to 'bother' him with it. His susqusent (sp?) sad face to me made me feel reaallly bad then. I didn't want to divert his attention or energy away from a workshop that he co-hosts.

What hurt the most for me was that no matter how many times I meditated enough to sleep I'd just get that same OMG feelings again.

I hope that I NEVER really remember everything from that night - I don't think I could manage it again - to relive those awful feelings again. Is bad eonough now that I find it hard to hug someone or even accept a kind word or compliment in my behalf. Much less join in a group conversation.

I am improving on getting more involved in the group participation though. One step at a time- easy does it- etc.


Thank you for caring

Laly