Whew!! I'm ba-a-a-ck....

Just went back and re read a bunch of my history here. VERY informative. I'd had indeed forgotten much of what I experienced, sort of erased a lot of the positive. Not an unusual pattern for me. Poisonous, inherited mental habits.

Time for a quick update which I will try to summarize because fascinating as I am to myself typing isn't all that much fun :

Hit a wall way back awhile ago; years!!! Started to actually be repelled by pleasure in a funny sort of way. No reinforcement in it and started to even become averse. I'm talking all except maybe eating and sleeping. Became increasingly jumpy, aggravated startle reflex etc. Finally got so could not tolerate even eye contact from across the room w/ my wife. Eventually realized that really what was "up" was PTSD from prenatal, birth and early infancy medical trauma. I'll spare all the details but suffice to say, nervous system lock-down in red alert mode totally reactivated. No supplements, herbs, therapies, even drugs did much of anything to alleviate. Pretty much a downhill spiral for at least 18 months maybe 2 years. Yoiks! Bless my wife for her long suffering patience!!!!!

By a chain of fortuitous events, intuitive flashes and an actual numinous epiphany (if I may be so dramatic and poetic) I found a woman to work with in my area who has been studying/working with trauma and locked up systems since the mid 60's. She has studied with all the notables (Levine, Emerson, etc) and their teachers--Charlotte Selver was her main "root guru" in this. Pure genius. Very subtle and delicate awareness work that has lead me to appreciate even more the value of the "relaxed, natural, valley breathing" part of KSMO practice.

There are so many ways to interrupt the natural flow of breathing it is amazing. And when you yourself are doing it, of course it is generally out of consciousness and semi-automatic. The trick is to slow down and let go of deliberate doing enough to be able to notice. Noticing and then just gently holding the awareness there without blocking whatever is occuring seems to be key.

After not practicing KSMO for probably a year or more (several periods of practice and lay-offs in the past) I have been at it again for past several weeks). This morning got it really rolling for probably 20 minutes or so and then felt fatigue creeping in a bit so let it subside and stop for breakfast and start the day.

Worth noting--it does seem that testosterone levels have a significant effect on intensity and ease of accessibility of the energy. I have been very very low on T to the point where I recently needed to get some medical help for it. Now injecting chorionic gonadotrophin 3 times per week and that boost natural production (if you are still capable of it) and that is working well and has made a noticable difference in many areas besides KSMO practice!

Recent radical diet change has helped energy levels and overall well being a lot as well.

Another thing worth noting is that at least at this point in my practice, the difference between non-ejaculatory orgasm and PONR crossover is a pretty fine line. I seem to repeatedly get to a point where it could go either way and part of me really wants to push it over the PONR line and "go for it" but the other part prevails (so far) and a key sound followed by complete relaxation and letting go send the energy here there and everywhere except out the short cut. Afterwards no feeling of congestion or stuckness either physical or energetic at all, so that is good.

I reckon that's plenty for now...