Rumel's Ruminations - 12
Posted 12th January 2009 at 05:28 by rumel
It is curious how one of the little “typo” slips I made in a chat entry could step me back through time to relive and feel the nauseating angst, fear and trembling of an 8 year old boy who lied to his parents for the first time. That is a piece of emotional guilt baggage I had been carrying around for 53 years. The details of the lie aren’t important, what is important that I had not forgiven myself for this perceived sin. At that age perceptions of the world were very much black and white in terms of right and wrong. I had done something (lied to avoid possible sanctions) that was clearly wrong and gotten away with it.
But I now realize I didn’t ‘get away with it’, I had condemned myself to hauling this dead load of guilt through life. Today, I could probably adequately explain every detail, avoid any severe sanctions and still take responsibility for my actions and thus avoid any guilt feelings. But at age 8 I did not understand the range of human variability or the capacity of my parents to act in a compassionate manner to my transgression, so it got buried and hidden away not to be thought of again. WRONG, it was still there until I was gifted with its revelation to me in an early morning dream today. Tearfully this little boy says “I am sorry, please forgive me” and surprisingly the answer comes back “It is OK, everything is going to be alright, you have learned your lesson, you can get on with your life better now”
But I now realize I didn’t ‘get away with it’, I had condemned myself to hauling this dead load of guilt through life. Today, I could probably adequately explain every detail, avoid any severe sanctions and still take responsibility for my actions and thus avoid any guilt feelings. But at age 8 I did not understand the range of human variability or the capacity of my parents to act in a compassionate manner to my transgression, so it got buried and hidden away not to be thought of again. WRONG, it was still there until I was gifted with its revelation to me in an early morning dream today. Tearfully this little boy says “I am sorry, please forgive me” and surprisingly the answer comes back “It is OK, everything is going to be alright, you have learned your lesson, you can get on with your life better now”
Total Comments 4
Comments
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Yeah...it's amazing what we hold onto without realizing it huh.
Yeah I can relate-- in many ways. As children most are not raised or aware of being forgiven or for forgiving self. I think that too comes from what we perceive from the world- on tv ...the bad guys get arrested for wrong-doing, in homework- if wrong - is wrong and so on.
Nothing I ever recall have seen or demonstrated as far as forgiveness in societal views... as you said black and white.
As I type this reply the tears flow...as your words bring back the time I went through this very process of forgiving self and stop punishing self for something I had no control over.
And i never caught caught that lil slip til I went back and read it again. I automatically put the word no in there myself...all without realizing it
.Posted 12th January 2009 at 12:37 by Laly
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Thanks for the support Laly,
It is kind of amazing. After that first little insight, that I reported to Jack at the tail end of the Chat Session, I started a process of stepping back through many of my emotionally stressing incidents involving women. I went to bed thinking about it and stepping back in time a little bit as I reviewed each incident. I guess I continued analyzing through the night.
I remembered a lot of stuff upon awakening and I continued to think about the dream throughout the day. I later sat down and typed out my tearful little furball.
There is one important difference between our experiences here, in your case you were “…punishing self for something I had no control over. “ In my case, I DID have control over speaking the truth or telling the lie. So it has been a self inflicted punishment, but one I obviously thought I deserved.
I had been allowed to function in the real world on my own recognizance/parole in the interim. I’ve now determined my 50+ year sentence should be commutated and I am freeing my self from mental jail. I know this is not the last furball I will need to deal with but it is nice to know it is one less to be dragging around. I really like the Taoist (?) philosophy of letting go of attachments, this includes attachments we hold for our sins and guilt. Once each lesson is learned, I can release the attachment.Posted 13th January 2009 at 03:43 by rumel
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I coughed up another emotional furball out of my sub-conscious in a dream this morning – some unreleased anger borne out of disappointment, frustration and distrust of various female sexual relationships in the past. I decided to package this prickly little ball in clear cellophane, put a ribbon around it, set it on a dissolvable raft and pushed it out to sea. I watched as it floated off into the sunset to be dissipated by the ocean and that energy recycled for beneficial life forces.
In the hypnagogic state after the dream, my inner child made his presence known to me and asked “What do you want to do today?”
Boy, that kid can sure ask a lot of questions, though I love him for his inquisitiveness, adventurous spirit and playful humor. Any way the answer immediately pops into my head. “I want to be pro-active today and not be re-active anymore”. Then a whole host of ‘pro…” words came tumbling out of the sub-conscious as well as some “re…” words. It was like the kid had two buckets of words that he was slowly pouring out for me to read – Proactive, professional, productive, prodigious, promising, promotion, proclivity, prolific, profitable, prolong. The other bucket only had a few “re…” words for me to read – repressed, regressive and regrets. Then another thought emerges as I remembered reading somewhere “Emotions are the weather patterns of your soul, they are changeable and soon too will pass” I don’t know how that relates just yet but it will come to me. The amazing journey continues…Posted 13th January 2009 at 15:52 by rumel
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okay...I only meant is the fact that we were both in forms of self-punishment.Posted 13th January 2009 at 22:37 by Laly
