My thoughts of the day/week ...
Laly's Liberation-journey to emotional freedom
As promised ...here is possibly the most emotionally "charged" post I've done since I first started my very first thread and shared my abuse/rape with the KSMO family.
Last week I experienced a set of, well , what I would like to call dreams. I mention this because they revolve around the setting of the Family Constellation workshops I attend with Drew.
They occurred on three separate nights - each one building off the first dream. It starts with me introducing myself to the group and then how the FCs have helped me overcome some of my emotional blocks or issues.
The next dream builds from there as there is a man who seemed very skeptical of just HOW the FCs could help. So once again I share my story, but then it builds as I stand and share with the entire group how God loves us for who we are and that we should love ourselves for who we are and not what other people think we should be.
There's more...but I just can't seem to remember it all. Will check that out in my journal and edit later.
K third nite...it starts out like the other two...but then the one FC facilitator asks the room if there was anyone in the room who wished to ask a question or speak to me. A little girl - about 6-8-years of age appears and I get down on my knees and say Hi to her and what she had that she wanted to say to me. She puts a hand to my face and looks me in the eye and says "I forgive you, mommy". My eyes went wide with shock and the dream ends at that point.
Now to say I was blown away by this revelation is to put it mildy!!
For the next few days I walked around asking why-- and what -- and going through a few staged of grief and bewilderment.
I shared these dreams with Drew and we discussed talking more in depth about them when I came up; however, with me thinking just us two . Somehow...I said something like "I thought you were going to say - share at the FC"-- his response was-- I WAS! OMG-- I busted out in tears at that point...just the mere thought of sharing something so personal with them sent major streaks of fear within my heart. However, once I got over the shock- I understood what he was saying and said yes that I probably would share.
Which I did tonite-AND for the first time in my 2 years of attending...was chosen to do MY individual FC ...surrounding my dream about my daughter.
Well..tonite I got to face the man who raped me - the man who got me pregnant at age 16. This I will admit was VERY ROUGH and tough for me emotionally. The man chosen to portray Robert...to look him in the eye-- I never felt such an intense rage and anger and fear in my life . The closer he was made to move towards me, the more my body shook, the harder my teeth clenched and the whiter my fisted hands got.
A long time later...I was asked to forgive him. That I'll admit was an extreemely difficult thing to do. But I needed to do so - so that I could forgive myself as well.
There is more to this - but I am exhausted - both phsycially and emotionally...
until next time...
Last week I experienced a set of, well , what I would like to call dreams. I mention this because they revolve around the setting of the Family Constellation workshops I attend with Drew.
They occurred on three separate nights - each one building off the first dream. It starts with me introducing myself to the group and then how the FCs have helped me overcome some of my emotional blocks or issues.
The next dream builds from there as there is a man who seemed very skeptical of just HOW the FCs could help. So once again I share my story, but then it builds as I stand and share with the entire group how God loves us for who we are and that we should love ourselves for who we are and not what other people think we should be.
There's more...but I just can't seem to remember it all. Will check that out in my journal and edit later.
K third nite...it starts out like the other two...but then the one FC facilitator asks the room if there was anyone in the room who wished to ask a question or speak to me. A little girl - about 6-8-years of age appears and I get down on my knees and say Hi to her and what she had that she wanted to say to me. She puts a hand to my face and looks me in the eye and says "I forgive you, mommy". My eyes went wide with shock and the dream ends at that point.
Now to say I was blown away by this revelation is to put it mildy!!
For the next few days I walked around asking why-- and what -- and going through a few staged of grief and bewilderment.
I shared these dreams with Drew and we discussed talking more in depth about them when I came up; however, with me thinking just us two . Somehow...I said something like "I thought you were going to say - share at the FC"-- his response was-- I WAS! OMG-- I busted out in tears at that point...just the mere thought of sharing something so personal with them sent major streaks of fear within my heart. However, once I got over the shock- I understood what he was saying and said yes that I probably would share.
Which I did tonite-AND for the first time in my 2 years of attending...was chosen to do MY individual FC ...surrounding my dream about my daughter.
Well..tonite I got to face the man who raped me - the man who got me pregnant at age 16. This I will admit was VERY ROUGH and tough for me emotionally. The man chosen to portray Robert...to look him in the eye-- I never felt such an intense rage and anger and fear in my life . The closer he was made to move towards me, the more my body shook, the harder my teeth clenched and the whiter my fisted hands got.
A long time later...I was asked to forgive him. That I'll admit was an extreemely difficult thing to do. But I needed to do so - so that I could forgive myself as well.
There is more to this - but I am exhausted - both phsycially and emotionally...
until next time...
Total Comments 5
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Thanks for sharing with us (me) your experiences. It brought tears to my eyes and recollections of when I was abused by another man when I was about 7.
I need to experience what you shared. The fear and rage is there , but still in the fog. The fog, however, appears to be lifting. The more I practice KSMO, however, the more aware I am of it. Twice this past week I have experieced (really felt) two or three waves of pure terror when I start falling asleep. For weeks I have known something was going on when I first start falling asleep, as I would suddenly be "wide awake". I suspect I am afraid (terrified may be a better word) of feeling and being sexual. And KSMO is fostering just the opposite belief. I don't know if this makes any sense to you or not. This is no way to have gone through life! |
 
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PS -- I never knew or suspected my sexual abuse would make me afraid of being sexual or having sexual desires. I still don't understand it.
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Thank you Ageless...for sharing this with me (us). I would recommend everyone attend a Family Constellation...it is just hard to put into words just how they've helped me to be a better person-to speak for myself. To not be afraid.
I suggest finding a certified therapist/counselor in working through the confusion you are experiencing. It took a year for me to realize that I needed such help. And I agree, it IS no way to have to gone through life. I used to wake up screaming or sweating from the nightmares years ago. Now I barely remember any of it... there is a lot I am unable to recall of my childhood- memory wise. re: the PS note= I knew it was but now am learning the skills to be able to love again and wanting to be loved in return. |
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WOW, Laly... at long last you get to tell your story to the FC group.
CONGRATULATIONS and what an incredible relief - to have supportive witnesses to what you went through, and empathic support for all you have suffered through all of the years as a result. As a fellow survivor of sexual abuse (at age 4, by the church custodian), you have my full support for continuing your recovery and reclaiming the life that rightfully belongs to you! As always, wishing you ALL of the VERY best that life has to offer! Jack |
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Ageless, that's really great that Laly's incredibly courageous sharing of her recovery from sexual abuse are inspiring and motivating you to take further steps in your own recovery by locating and working with a competent counselor who is specifically trained and clinically supervised to assist you in this journey.
A good source of such people or at least recommendations to such people in your area may be found at the AASECT website: AASECT - Member Directory Wishing you too all of the VERY best in your recovery! Jack |
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Recent Blog Entries by Laly
- laly's Liberation-journey to emotional freedom (24th December 2008)
- Laly's Liberation-journey to emotional freedom (28th November 2008)
- laly's Liberation-journey to emotional freedom (26th November 2008)
- laly's Liberation-journey to emotional freedom (16th November 2008)
- laly's Liberation-journey to emotional freedom (18th October 2008)
