The Trap [Continued]

As I mentioned in the forum, on a recent trip to Cuba I fell into the same trap of trying to make things happen. I thought that Cuba, an exotic place with sun and sand, would be the perfect place for a FBO. Well, apparently Cuba wasn't the time and place for this. I now realize too, as I mentioned in my previous blog, that I've been trying to make things happen ever since I started experiencing high levels of orgasmic sensations a couple of months ago.

Now I preface this next part with the fact that while I have a faith and believe, I am not perfect.....by far....by real far. So don't blast me for what I am about to write. I grew up in the church and in a semi strict religious household. Needless to say I discovered that my personality is one which likes to explore, try new things and find out the 'why' and 'how' of things. This, coincidentaly, has led me into areas, that while I"m not particularly proud of, have given me insight and understanding .....even if it's to say, "ahhh, that's why I shouldn't do that." ( I should note as well for readers, that I differentiate between "religion: man made rules devised to fill God's place" and "faith: true relationship with God." I find that most of established religion would have us believe that God is mad at us and that life is a series of "you should or shouldn't do this or that." This is not the case, God loves us completely and fully and wants the best for us. Now if I can just apply that Truth to my own life. )

In relation to my KSMO practice and my newly ramped up sexual energy, I have attempted to stoke this energy even further by exploring such venues.... and I'm ashamed to say..... as strip clubs and "massage parlours." Needless to say, I have found this to be very very counter productive to my KSMO practice. In actuality, this has held my progress back and has created fur balls. I now know that these 'pseudo' experiences work against the God given blessing of physical pleasure and intimacy with another woman. Thus, these experiences that are mainly "look but don't touch" have become very unattractive to me and lack any fulfillment. Which is a great thing to learn, just a hard way to do it for me. I now realize as well, that true fulfillment and pleasure between two people comes from the love, intimacy, trust and committment that they share. This is my experience in learning.

I found a great quote today by Zeitgeist that gave me insight into my latest experiences:

"So, I still have to fight my natural optimism to think "Will it happen soon?" and to progress naturally. I realise my pleasure seeking pattern before I discovered the programme may have diminished my existing ORGASM capacity quite considerably and I suspect I'm building/rewiring my 'sexual energy storage' right now to allow orgasm to occur, rather than be triggered by a quick ejac response."